What role does music play in your life?
I’m in no way a music junkie. I’m not up to date with recent songs or new singles. I don’t go to concerts. I don’t bawl over album signing or meet and greets. But I sing in the shower, travel with earphones in my ears, have playlists for every event, hum songs randomly throughout the day, and got a consistent subscription to Spotify Premium.
When I got diagnosed with clinical depression in 2018 (full story here), all of those little moments disappeared. It wasn’t helping, and at some point hearing happy songs made me sad about how I feel, and hearing sad songs made me even sadder- it was somehow deafening. I stopped listening to music.
Over time, I got a little better. I would still have some depression episodes, but gradually that became more manageable for me and my family. No wishing I was dead or hurt.
Several months after that, I was taking a shower and didn’t realize I was singing. And my brother pointed it out, verbatim, “kumakanta ka na ulit,” which meant “you’re singing again.” And that hit me, to be honest. Because I didn’t realize they had associated my singing with how happy I was— or that I wasn’t. I honestly didn’t realize anyone would even be paying attention in the first place.
I’m at a better place now, if anyone’s concerned. And it’s mostly because of my partner, Dane, who never pressured me into recovery nor showed me he was tired of understanding. I didn’t want to depend on him to be my strength, but when I was in the process of starting, I was committed to being better mentally because I wanted to deserve the love he was giving.
Music is back now, even as I’m writing this. And it’s back to giving me the same experience and happiness.