I stopped blogging between May 2019 until Jan 2021, almost 2 years. I have a number of excuses to enumerate, but if I need to be honest, it was mostly because I was demotivated.

So here. Another attempt to do it again consistently, even though it’s a bad idea to. Why? Because I should be studying, but instead, I chose to write this. It’s almost 4 years since I mentioned I’m a TaMaroon now, and since that started, there were several ups and downs. Almost done with the course and getting my degree hopefully in a few months. There’s a life-changing story there but maybe for another time.

This is actually a daily prompt post that should be talking about how my year ended and if I’m where I want to be. My year was summarized in My 2020 in bullets posts, but for the latter half of that prompt— it’s been a huge bummer.

When I turned 27 last month, it hit me. I’m now in my late 20’s. And in 3 years, I’ll be 30. I started to evaluate what I’ve accomplished since I graduated college when I was 20. And… nada.

That was the starting point of a 3-hour bawl, and a voice in my head narrating I’m worth nothing, every single day since then. I remember writing a piece about this topic for Thought Catalog: Read This When Living Life According To A Timeline Makes You Feel Lost And Confused and I didn’t think I’d have to read it again as the actual target of that essay.

Sure, it’s great to be first. How amazing would it be to be the first millionaire in your high school batch, or the first to get to the opposite side of the world with your own hard-earned cash. But how bad is a second? Or a third? Or not at all? Who’s taking notes anyway?

Azelle from 2017

And that hit me, too.

I still sometimes think about what I should have accomplished now. Plans that never started. Dreams that were only good in my head. Sometimes I spiral back and need to reel my emotions back in but I feel a little better. I just need to tell myself when I start to feel emotional and I’m glad people around me remind me that I’m doing great and no one is counting.

Daily Post 365 Days of Writing Prompt: Stroke of Midnight