You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

I had to think long and hard about what my greatest fear is. But looking back into things that affected me the most and the longest, I would say it’s being abandoned. I shared part of my depression story, Nietzsche’s right, in a previous post. Not sure if it qualifies for this daily prompt, but my Bad Place will probably be filled with the most important people in my life, ignoring me, making me feel like I’m a burden, or leaving me like I’m worthless.

It’s a little painful to admit, but after I graduated high school, proving myself to myself has been an unending journey. There was a time in college where I had a small circle of friends. We had lunch together and outside of school, we would even attend conventions or go on ukay-ukay hopping. In my second year, I noticed that they don’t ask me to go with them anymore but I still went with them because they were my friends. The naïve 16-year old me didn’t realize I wasn’t welcome in the circle anymore until I heard them talking about going somewhere without inviting me. I felt very low after that because I didn’t know what I did that made them decide that I don’t belong anymore. If it was that easy for them to do that, then I’m probably worthless. I did end up becoming friends with better people. After that experience, I met my best friend a few weeks later and he’s still my best friend to date.

Aside from that experience, I had a habit of ranting to friends when I’m upset. Sometimes I get repetitive because it feels like some of my concerns are just repeating themselves, but I can’t help but feel the same way. These friends would hear me out, but after some time, all I get are messages being put on read or one-word replies. I again, felt like I wasn’t worth anyone’s time and I was burdening everyone around me.

Those are just some of the experiences that added to how I value myself— from other people’s validation. I never got that even from family, and being pushed aside by people I treat as friends took a toll on my mental health and how I perceive my self-worth. And I guess that also made me push people away so I can find out who were those willing to stay even in bad times.

I don’t know if that room is something I can escape from in this lifetime, but knowing it shouldn’t define me is hopefully a step closer to my resolve.

Daily Post 365 Days of Writing Prompt: 1984