(Not) Happy Father’s Day

Father and daughter at beach

Happy Father’s Day, dad. I hope at least one of us is happy.

I used to be the first one to greet you this when I was younger. But now it just hurts if I do. I wanted to write all sorts of happy memories we had like most of my friends do, but honestly, I don’t recall any more good things besides flying kites and playing Badminton on Sundays when I was younger.

Thank you. Though I’m not sure what for.

Maybe, for abandoning us and leaving me with the lesson that I need to choose people who come into my life wisely. I would never learn what went wrong between you and mom- maybe it was a lot of little matters that piled up, or that it just wasn’t right to begin with. Just as the wee things you did and didn’t that made a distance grow between us, even if I grew up to believe that I’m the daddy’s girl.

There are a lot of things I hope you know, what I’ve been doing- what everyone’s been doing, but sometimes I feel like it’s a loss hope. Whenever you ask about our life, I would often think, “if you were with us, you would have known all this..” and honestly, it hurts  a lot knowing your own father has to catch up with how life has been instead of going with you through it.

I wanted to ignore this day and treat it as any normal Sunday where I binge-watch series. But when my sister came up to me to let me read a father’s day post from a friend of hers, it somehow managed to pull out what I’ve been burying for so many years.

It hurts.

But at least I got to experience what it’s like growing up with a dad half of my life. But my sister will never know that. I can only imagine her feelings- somewhere between hating and wanting- and the former is winning.

Thank you. Because you taught me that I should take care of my heart. That I’ll meet people who can make me feel that the world is mine but can also tear me apart in a snap. It made me feel untrusting, but I guess that’s the best lesson I can get from someone who I was supposed to trust the most- you.

I would never want to see my mom cry again over the mistake that made a life-changing impact to all of us though mostly her, but even so, she has learned to forgive. I do constantly wonder why nice people always get hurt. But I guess that lesson of acceptance and independence also came from you. Thank you.

I genuinely hope you and them are happy. It hurts so much, but I don’t ever want to wish for it to happen to another family despite the circumstances because it really brings unbearable pain.

Happy father’s day, dad. And I hope in another lifetime, you can be ours.

Advertisements

One thought on “(Not) Happy Father’s Day

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s