Hooray for today – is the first thing I want to say I have in mind right now. But it’s not exactly as stellar as it seems to be.

I started working in-office again last November, 2 years after I decided freelancing and working at home is awesome (It is, btw). The opportunity knocked on my door, and it would be a waste not to take it – Engagement Manager and Project Manager hybrid. I was trusting my time management skills and I know I can manage both my business and a full time office work.

That was how I wanted to start. I’m almost in my 5th month, and it’s the opposite of what I thought. I gave up my shop, wanting to just rest on weekends.

I am overwhelmed and worried with my task and performance, and I definitely felt over the top when I was greeted by 2 major crisis under my ‘term’ right when I just started. It made me feel more worried when the department head had to step in to help sort things out. And imagine my anxiety when the regional director flew to the Philippines to deal with the issue too.

Everything still feels new to me. Despite being the best person to know about the brand I’m directly handling, I have little familiarity with the rest of my responsibilities. I also need to take into account that me being in the position is a recommendation by a great person and I have to prove myself worthy for that. I would say I have all the initiative and proactiveness, but I’m still a little vague on the idea of what I can and can not do.

Ever since, I boast of my time management and critical thinking, but it doesn’t seem enough right now. I feel like everyone’s taking a leap forward, while I could barely even crawl. I’m so off-sync. I feel that I need to tell everyone to stop and wait as I try to catch up to them.. and that kind of feeling sucks..

#BuhayAhensya is eating me alive. And honestly, it scaring the crap out of me. Like actually resigning came to mind simply because I feel like I’m I’m not doing anything. I hope this is just me asking for sympathy but no it isn’t… I’m starting to assess if Ahensya Life is actually for me.

I want to think that it is, as I’m challenge and it’ll help me grow. But a part of me also knows that I would probably excel better somewhere else, when everyone is not as grand as right now.

To add to that, I have close to zero knowledge on histories of the accounts we manage and whatever performance and status we have as well. But good thing my colleagues are all very understanding and supportive. But I can’t take the idea of being the baby-sitted off my mind. I just hope they continue to be as understanding and supportive till I learn the ropes and manage to do what I need to.

I thank God for letting me have one of the most wonderful traits I could hope for – love working. Working for me doesn’t feel like a task, it’s stressful yet also a stress-reliever for me. I love thinking, and brainstorming and learning new things, which makes all of what I’m experiencing a lot more fun than it should be. I just hope this weighs more moving forward than the overwhelming feelings I have right now. I really hope..