DAILY: Sorry, I’m not

Whenever I make decisions, no matter how good or bad it would affect me, I make sure not to regret it. Because even if I was mad or sad, it was what I really wanted during the time being.

This is a little too personal for me, so please bear with me. In 2011, I broke up with my first ever serious and actual relationship because of the significant difference in our religious beliefs. After a year or so, he and I became in contact again and he wanted to get back together. I loved him, and love him still during the time. But due to the sensitive topic that was important to me, I knew we’ll be back to square one. It wasn’t a good idea. I let my mind take over my heart. Probably every year after that, he still wanted the same. But I knew we’ll have the same concern even if our hearts say otherwise.

In 2014, due to some circumstances, we came into contact again. Early 2015, we decided to ‘date’ again. It was the first time he and I saw each other since our breakup. That was when I knew I probably still have feelings left for him. My feelings lead me to the decision that everything was worth fighting for. That I should follow my heart. That I finally decided that it was time to allow myself to indulge in the idea of the person I was always in love with. I allowed myself to finally be vulnerable to the idea that my overthinking is not enough to make me avoid this guy any longer.

However, due to some unfortunate circumstances, we had a petty argument a week after the time I wanted to start over. And whatever we all had just flew out the window in an instant. I stopped myself from the idea of being with the person I loved. Yet, in the end, it all went to waste. He did apologize, he did admit he got carried away. But I realized it was a clear sign for me not to pursue the idea.

It hurt me, a lot. I cried because of him for the second time. But you know what? I don’t regret any of the decisions I made since I chose to break up with him the first time, to the last moment I didn’t accept his apology.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry I broke up with you the first time.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that I rejected you the number of times you wanted to get back together.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that I never reached out to you despite being so in love with you ever since.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that I didn’t allow us to have a second chance.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that I didn’t want to start over again in the end.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that we never had a proper closure.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry that I don’t regret any of this.

I am sorry, but I’m not sorry I chose any of the decisions I made.

But you know what? Thank you for being part of my life, my first love. I’ve moved on, I’ll meet someone that’ll value my worth, but you’ll always be a little part of how my life went a little crazy but sweet during college. And I wish you the best with you and your new partner.

Daily Prompt – Apology